pt. 2 (fuck) | by tyler. | -------------+ is there any reason that i let myself do this ! no. i am only what i have been shown/taught&-- who isn ' t. with work on [tomorrow] the rise i said to ryan , "let ' s just stay until ten or ten:30 , at most" " i want to get back and hang out with chris before i have to take the train back. " it was eight:42 , approx.[imately] what i did was we got there and i jumped out so ex- -cited ! probably or anxious (?), thinking in my self "yes, at maturity, i am childish, yes, i can, this is something i can do. yes, i am mature." &nd: we walk to the gate, yelling, "hold! it open," gasps, cold, tenants laughing, almost crashing against strangers and we are not even strange yet not even in toxic sated. not yet ! before i had said (due primarily, secondly, thirdly to a case of misguided morals [my aim is always off, you see]) that they were going to smoke and i: i wouldn't like that. i don ' t like that. i don ' t. we were leaving at 10:thirty, latest, it was nine:00 pm. okay so inside i am like "oh hi everyone" introductions introductions only half of these ones i know however i guess caddye is already drunk i guess tracy and andee get right back into the swing of things ! (! oh the joys of collegiate life !) so kaela says to me she says "what do you want " and shows me a fridge full of liquid bad and i just grab what is in front with a green label (green is my favorite color). ok so ryan says "let ' s play dr. mario" he is nursing something we play dr. mario caddye loses then kaela whoops me cecily laughs/asks where my hair went i talk to her boyfriend. oh this is my second drink? but it ' s gone already never fear kaela whispers in her excited half-gasped laughtervoice&-- opens the freezer wherein lie shot glasses made from ice ("in case" i say "you want to be in that ice palace from that one james bond movie") ("yes" the kitchen replies) (success) but those are stupid so i take the BEE-OTCH which is a double shot (whatever that is i am still new to this garbage) instantly two of those of rum are gone in me and i just smile. the music is bad, so ryan takes my ipod (during dr. mario) and switches it out. we are victorious and yes we get a banana. max agrees, doesn't he get a banana. [fuck yes he does, he is on the floor where is his shirt] ok so i guess all the songs are actually ten seconds long? no, no, "around the world" is easily like seven minutes what magic is this i am thinking but then fuck them and fuck everyone the hookah is out ok so andee holds it she breathes in lips pursed ok so tracy holds it she breathes in lips pursed ok so i take it i breathe in lips pursed it tastes like mango, and smoke, and...--! like childhoods goodbye, lungs, good thing i have my inhaler, ryan is next to me so we kiss. ok so the thing i don ' t know is in my hand so many times i can still taste it in my nose this night that smoke so fruited (words i make up yessss) "yes" my mind whirs"everything sure is moving too fast and well" i am thinking about how everything was everything once before. "this is crazy. . ." i am mad at myself for smoking slightly mad at ryan for letting me even though he knows how much i really hate it reasonlessly so (wait henry isn ' t here) i find BEE-OTCH again "try the raspberry vodka" says kaela or andee or WhatsHerFace (who later as i left with andee came from the toilet with joel oh god how awful) (ps where did all those shirts get to, guys, come on !) so i do that. and. this isn ' t as interesting as [conversationally] the first real time was but i go with it. i go with it all the way into the bathroom where i throw up ryan is there f u c k what have i done 1, two, three, 4: one after another brown like shit yellow like piss green like mucus [ no wait i drank more than i remember even ] anyways ryan brings water. he really hasn't drank much at all ? (.) "f u c k i don ' t want to have the shits!" ryan waits outside. i pee also (yes how rewarding congratulations body waste is coming out the right end) [!]. i am done, puking water now, let ' s sit on the secret sofa inside kaela ' s room i am afraid the kittens got out and people are stepping on them that is all i can think about for some reason. then i can feel every things inside of my self packing up and moving away switching sides changing addresses "get a bowl or a pot" i say too courteous to take up the bathroom after all who else is overcome with the vomits ? (what a gentleman, right to the end, that ' s me) kaela gives me her best. andee and tracy visit me from time to time kaela enters i notice her tiny shorts are ripped and i can see her tinier panties someone points this out and she concedes "i know" smiling/laughing what. okay and tracy kisses my cheek she is eyeing that italian boy i guess "dave navarro as a teenager" (is this how his name is spelled) (after i have left they made out) (like/as though i give a f u c k) anyways i am crying ryan is pouring water into my mouth "when my grandmother was dying" i sob into his arm "they only let her eat ice" i feel like her i am dying here on this secret sofa i feel like this was stupid a bad idea it is long after ten:thirty, we all know. (how the wind blows) wait did i mention lauren was in the closet he was mad "what do you do" he asks the faggots cuddling one drunker than drunk and crying "if you like a girl but she doesn ' t like you back ?" also he asks "what if you also want to kill someone" we are thinking "kaela/peter or caddye/max" (yes, in unison) (what else) ok so uh kaela comes in? i think yes she must of because i help her to her own bathroom which in my mind seems awfully incorrect but ok. she is inside and andee andee wants to go i want to go ryan wants to go so we are going to go i guess. she has to pee. we wait for the door to open as tracy falls down, and the --that-- italian guy just laughs, leers, he is cute in a creepy kind of way tracy, what a slut ! hahaha. slut. i think i ' m sober, alright, now comes the part when joel and WhatsHerFace come out of the bathroom i ask cecily ' s boyfriend if this is boring for him, he is sober and i wonder (turns out it isn ' t; he doesn ' t party with her; he normally gets thrashed but will not in her presence (what a doll of a guy here ladies and gents) ) it is time to go, so, we go, and the night is cold uh yes. andee, we take to francis ' house, alright, we go back, ryan has an in-n-out burger in the fridge oh boy i eat the cold french fries. i say, "that was awful. i wish i had never gone" and, chris, he says, "i told you" he did tell me i remember that part.